Stop Outsourcing Confidence

chess-1464959_960_720One simple hack to improve your life is this: stop outsourcing your confidence. What do I mean?

Usually, our confidence comes from outcomes. Get a good test score – you’ll think you are a good student. Girl says yes when you ask her out on date – you’ll think you are a cool guy. Land a promotion, win a match of arm-wrestling, finally make that perfect omelette – and for a moment, you feel you are the greatest.

The problem is, outcome-based confidence is fleeting. You don’t get an “A” on every assignment. You go through fights and breakups in relationships, you’ll screw up at work some days and you’ll sometimes lose at things you wanted to win so much.

What happens then?

If you are outsourcing your confidence, those moments will crush you. They’ll lower your sense of self-worth. And if you hit a rough patch with a sting of bad results, you’ll suddenly find yourself facing a crisis of self-confidence.

What’s the alternative?

Internal-based confidence. How does it work? You take back control of your confidence by placing it processes rather than results.

The beauty of this system is that you have full control over it. Instead of looking at the grade on the test which can be influenced by things outside of your control, focus on your study process. Did you study enough? Did you use good study methods? Did you pay attention in class? If you followed a great process, then have confidence that you are a good student and that in spite of this one bad result, you will be achieving success in the long run.

You see, processes are always under your control. You can’t control whether you win the game, but you can control whether you practiced, worked out in the gym, ate well, prioritized rest, etc.

You may succeed today; you may not. Don’t place your self-worth in hands of today’s results.

You will succeed in the long-run if you build and follow good processes in your life. Check out our self-improvement curriculum for some great processes to start building today.

Jamie

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A Counter-intuitive Way to Say “Goodbye” to Worry

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I have a tendency to worry. I think it is due to the fact that I juggle a lot of responsibilities and often find myself involved in projects that have me out of my comfort zone.

Additionally, I think I worry sometimes because there are many wonderful things in my life that I fear losing.

Actually, when you think about it, that’s what all worry is – a fear of loss. I worry because I don’t want to lose something I have or something I hope to have.

Ironically, this means that worry can strike even more during the good times in life. Have a great relationship? You can start worrying about losing that person. Just landed a new job? You can easily begin worry about screwing up at work.

Now a lot of people will tell you that the way to avoid worry is to not think about it, but honestly, that doesn’t work. Don’t think about a dancing bear in a tutu. I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what is in your mind now.

In fact, by trying not to think about something, you actually increase the likelihood of it occupying prime real estate in your mind. So what can we do?

Let’s try something very counter-intuitive.

Rather than trying to forget our worries, I want you to focus on them. How and why?

Here’s how. First, get a journal. Here’s a nice one. It’ll be your worry journal. Next, everyday for at least a week I want you to write down every worry that pops into your mind.

“I might be late today!” Write it down. “I think my coworker thought my joke was dumb.” Write it down. “I worry my partner won’t love me someday.” Write it down.

No matter how big or small the worry, get it down on paper.

Why are we doing this? Well there are 2 huge benefits.

First, by getting these worries out of our heads and on to paper, we surprisingly will reduce the attention we pay to them. But the second benefit is even more powerful.

Imagine you have a friend who always gives you advice. Unsolicited. But he’s almost always wrong. Would you listen to him? Would you let his words dictate your  life? Of course not!

But here’s the thing. Your worries are nothing more than unsolicited advice and they are usually incorrect, just like the friend in our imaginary example.

Don’t believe me. You will after this experiment. After you write down every worry for a week, I want you to review your entries.Calculate what percentage of them actually came true? Find out what percentage turned out to be totally unnecessary.

The results will prove to you once and for all that in most cases you worries are to be laughed at, not feared.

Give it a try, and set yourself free from your worries.

Jamie

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How to Instantly Improve Your Friendships

cheers-839865_960_720Today’s post is short and sweet.

Maya Angelou said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

So if you want to improve your relationships with friends or family, make a point of offering sincere compliments. Few things feel as good as being noticed and commended by someone.

Find something about each person you meet today that you find noteworthy and tell them! Make it a habit and watch your relationships blossom!

Jamie

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Confidence Tips: Advice from Snails, Books, and Benedict Cumberbatch on How to Be More Confident

I’ve had many people ask me, “How can I be more confident?” And if I am honest, I have asked it before as well. I think this question really has two parts. How can I look more confident? How can I feel more confident? We want both, right? We all want to feel confident in our skin while simultaneously looking confident to those who see us. Building confidence is a life-long mission, but there are a few quick hacks we can employ to give us a nice, easy boost of confidence.

So here are confidence-boosting ideas, thanks to the wisdom of Benedict Cumberbatch, snails, and books.

1) Become Your Favorite Actor/Actress.

Here’s what I do when I face a situation that demands me to take on a role that is challenging for me. I pretend I am an actor playing that role. It’s easy, fun, and incredibly effective. Just choose the actor that best fits the role you need to play. Need to seem cool and suave? Pretend you are Sean Connery’s James Bond. Need to be intellectual and perhaps a bit cold, channel Benedict Cumberbatch’s Sherlock Holmes. By pretending you are simply acting a role, a significant portion of your social anxiety will melt away. Even if someone reacts negatively to you, they haven’t really reacted negatively to you; they have only disapproved of or Sherlock or James, not you. After a while, you will stop even thinking of your character and just naturally begin to feel at ease acting as they do.

Now it isn’t as a big a deal for me, but when I was younger I was very self-conscious. As in very conscious of myself during any social encounter and very worried that I would screw up, misspeak, or otherwise make a mistake that would out me as not smart enough, cool enough, whatever. Basically, that internal negative dialogue would play in my mind – something that many shy or introverted people can relate to.

Anyway, I’d read, “Just be confident”, or “Speak this way”, or “Do this.” But it all felt painfully fake and not me. Again the internal dialogue would shout, “Jamie, you are trying to sound cool and confident here, but everyone sees through it; they all know you are fake!”

So I spun my own insecurities around by embracing the thing I feared. I will be fake. I’ll play act the roles I’ve seen my favorite actors do. Obviously I didn’t overact; that would look ridiculous and have the opposite effect that I intended. I’d just steal phrases, body language, and their general demeanor. The funny thing is, by adopting that role, I didn’t feel nearly as self-conscious as before. It was kinda like wearing a mask – a mask that you felt safe and unnoticed behind, freeing me to act more like I truly wanted to.

Now this may sound like the path to becoming a fake person, but I argue it is the exact opposite. I actually wanted to be like those actors. I wasn’t being fake; instead I was actually learning how to express myself in the way I had always wanted to but had been too afraid to try before. So in that sense, when you meet me, I am now closer to who I want to be than I ever was before. In other words, I am now more Jamie Moyer than I have ever been.

At the end result of this, when you learn how to slip into this role or that, you become more confident in yourself. Because you become more comfortable in whatever social situation you face. Some people learn this easily and naturally. But for someone who faces social anxiety, this can be a powerful tool to liberate you from your fears and set you free.

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2) Slow Down Everything.

Walk slower, talk slower, react slower. Do everything a bit slower. You get two benefits from this. First, you’ll find that by slowing down, you’ll have more time to think through want you want to say or do. That leads you to speaking and moving more deliberately, which makes you look more confident. Think of a CEO, President, or other powerful, confident person. Do they run? They they jerkily move their arms around. Race to get all the words out of their mouth? Or do they walk, talk, and move deliberately? When it comes to being confident, be inspired by the snail, and take it slower.
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3) Watch Your Body Language.

Your body language leaks out a lot of info about you. If you are nervous your body language will betray you. The cool thing is body language not only shows how you are feeling, it also can influence how you are feeling. Choose some confident body language and you’ll feel yourself becoming more confident. If you need to improve your body language skills, absolutely get this book! Amy Cuddy’s Presence is the definitive book on gaining confidence through understanding your body language and yourself. You’ll learn how many mistakes you have been making in your body language and how to correct them easily. More than that, you’ll learn how to think in ways that free you to become a bolder, stronger self.

These 3 ideas together are powerful. They get your body, mind, and timing all synced up and ready to be at your best.

Good luck!

Jamie

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How to Simplify Your Life with 1 Word

If you are like most people, you feel busy, stressed, and overworked frequently. You also find yourself at social events that you don’t really want to be at, but feel some obligation to be there. At work, you find yourself interrupted by coworkers or given assignments that you don’t see the point of and would rather not be doing. Your friends, family and significant other may make requests of you that you really don’t think are fair, but you do them anyway to avoid an argument or to prevent disappointing them. At the end of the day, you are tired, frustrated, and irritated with your job and the people in your life. If this is you, it is time for a big change in your life. One word can transform your life and put you on a path to a happier, simpler existence – NO.

Whether at work or at home, you need to learn to say NO when people make unreasonable requests. You may think you are being nice by ignoring your own desires and conforming to others’ expectiations of you, but understand that you aren’t. Think about it. When you do what you boss, spouse, or friend wants, regardless of your own wants, how do you feel? Generous? Happy? Or somewhat pissed off? See, what happens when you ignore your own opinions over and over is you begin to feel irratable. This irritibility spills over into your work and social life. Even if you can mask your frustration, your health will still be affected negatively. In the short term, you may help your company, family, or friends by sacrificing your needs; in the long-run, however, you care damaging yourself and your ability to be a good worker, a great partner, or a valuable friend.

You need to start saying NO. At first, you will feel guilty. At first, people used to you saying YES will be shocked to here NO. They may complain or try to make you feel guilty. But here’s the thing – if you stay strong and keep expressing your interests and desires, people will begin to respect you and won’t make as many unreasonable demands of you.

Now here is the exciting part. You can still say YES to people. But now you will be saying YES because you have chosen to comply, not because you feel you have to. And when you feel you are in complete control of your choices, you will feel empowered, confident, and happy. You’ll be the strong man or woman who is generous sometimes but always protective of yourself as well. And by eliminated all the unnecessary things you were doing before, you’ll have more time and energy for the things that truly matter to you and the people you care about.

All this can be yours if you start using one word – NO. If you need help starting, I strongly suggest you get The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It — And Mean It and Stop People-pleasing Forever. Following its simple principles can make you a master of NO and help you improve your life this year.

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To your daily growth!

Jamie

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Skincare for Men: A Simple Morning Routine Your Face Will Love

I have two quick questions for you today.

Do you want to be more attractive?

Do you want to reduce your risk of cancer?

If your answer to these questions is “No” then carry on with whatever you were doing. But if your answer is “Yes” then let’s look at a simple habit that will accomplish both.

Apply an SPF moisturizer to your face every morning.

An SPF moisturizer will make you more attractive. How? There are 2 key benefits. One is it makes your skin look as good as possible today. Daily use reduces dryness, puffiness, blemishes, wrinkles and other things which would otherwise make you less attractive. Think of it like your wardrobe. You could just wear some ratty old clothes, but a tailored shirt and a nice suit make you look your best. The other advantage is it makes your skin look better down the road. Proper moisturizing and protection against ultra-violet rays is one of the single best anti-aging habits you can have. With just 30 seconds a day, you are making sure your skin looks amazing today and for years to come. Imagine how confident you’ll feel at work or on dates knowing that you look your absolute best.

You’ll love that women love your skin, but perhaps even more importantly, by using an SPF moisturizer, you’ll be protecting yourself from cancer. Let’s briefly look at the grim data.

Approximately 20 percent of Americans will get skin cancer in their life.

Scary. That’s 1 in 5. Don’t let it be you. An SPF moisturizer not only helps you look sexy, it may save your life. Your face catches more sunlight than you may realize. Driving, walking, sitting near windows – it all adds up and overtime increases your chances of being stricken by cancer. Wearing an SPF moisturizer every day won’t guarantee you stay cancer-free, but can cut your risk significantly.

Some men balk at the idea of putting anything on their face. I understand. I grew up in a small town, and there, the idea of a guy wearing an SPF moisturizer was pretty foreign. If fact, you risked being teased if someone knew you did really anything in terms of taking care of you skin. But here’s the deal – the manliest thing you can do is put your best foot, or I should say, face, forward every day. Your career, your dating life, and your self-confidence all deserve your attention and care. Additionally, we may not fight tigers or lions or woolly mammoths today, but we do fight against other threats, perhaps none as sinister as cancer. Fighting off cancer and protecting yourself is pretty manly thing to do too.

This summer walk out of your home each morning with a face ready to make other men respect you, women swoon, and cancer run – apply an SPF moisturizer.

Choose one of the following 3 options for a great deal and healthy face.

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Nivea for Men Face Care Energy Lotion Q10, SPF15 1.7 Fluid Ounces (Pack of 3)

Specially formulated for men, Revitalizing Lotion Q10 revitalizes, moisturizes, and protects tired, stressed skin.
Enriched with skin’s own Coenzyme Q10 to helps maintain skin’s vitality and elasticity
SPF 15 helps protect against damage caused by UV rays
Skin is left looking healthy, fresh and fit
Dermatologist tested.


31R7nC7X+0L.jpgKiehl’s Facial Fuel Sunscreen SPF 15 Energizing Moisture Treatment for Men, 4.2 Ounce

  • A facial recovery accelerator of sorts, itll help skin resist the effects of environmental stress for a healthy, invigorated appearance
  • The formula, with vitamins C and e, chestnut extract and soy, helps waken tired-looking skin and helps improve skins look and texture
  • With use, skin will feel refueled, re-energized and revitalized

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Lab Series Skincare for Men Treat – Daily Moisture Defense Lotion SPF 15, 3.4 fl oz

All-day moisturization and environmental defense for fresher, healthier-looking skin. (Formerly Day Rescue Total Face Therapy SPF15.) Lightweight moisturizing SPF 15 lotion infused with antioxidants continuously hydrates and helps protect the skin from UVA/UVB rays, smoke and pollution. Minimizes signs of aging, smoothes fine lines and improves overall skin texture.

No matter which product you choose, make sure to make it a daily habit to apply. Within a few weeks you’ll notice the improvement in the health and appearance of your face. And in the long-run, this is one habit which just may save your life. A daily application of an SPF moisturizer is a simple, powerful way to improve your life this year.

To your daily self-improvement!

Jamie

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How to Get Whiter Teeth Easily

I love coffee. My teeth don’t however.

Few things matter more to our overall appearance than our smile, and the color of our teeth is a key determinant of how great (or not so great) our smile is.

If you are like me, you tend to do a lot of abusive stuff to your teeth. How many of the following do you consume?

Coffee

Tea

Red Wine

Soft Drinks

Products with Food Coloring (for example – bright candies, colored sports drinks)

Overtime, these wreak havoc on the the brightness and color of your smile. How can you fight back? Well, the simplest thing you can do is reduce or eliminate those foods and beverages which are causing the damage. Of course, brushing your teeth is a must as well. If you are out during the day and cannot brush, at least rinse your mouth out with water or Listerine to remove acids and stain-causers from your teeth. I’ll add, though it doesn’t necessarily affect the color or brightness of your teeth, you absolutely should be flossing daily. You don’t want to head off to work with something stuck between your teeth!

If you want to take your smile to the next level, a visit to your dentist will be needed. They have products that can give you a Hollywood smile, but expect to pay a lot. Home options exist as well. Be careful, some are unnecessarily expensive, and others just don’t work very well. I recommend Crest 3D White Luxe Whitestrips Professional Effects. The makers claim it removes 14 years worth of stains. While I can’t vouch for that number, I can say it makes a big difference, especially for coffee or wine drinkers. Think of it as an investment in yourself.

Your smile is the first thing many people see. If you want to improve your life this year, then commit today to making your smile something you can proudly display.

To your daily growth!

Jamie

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